I Don't Recall All Those Days I Blocked out with a Wall

It's been a weird day/evening...when I was very young, I learned about death. Lots of people I was close to have died. It started with my relatives, but so many of my friends died when I was younger that it's just crazy. Maybe this shaped who I am in some way. I've always been depressed as long as I can remember, but I always thought I didn't have a reason, now I'm thinking maybe it's all the loss I've experienced among other things.
Tonight on my way home from my mom's I heard this song "How to Save a Life" and maybe it's where I was at the time, but it reminded me of my friend who died when he was out with some friends. He had invited me to come, but I knew my parents wouldn't let me go. I had just spent several days with him and my other friends. We flocked together for days at a time back then. Everyone spent the night at my friend Theresa's house and often for days. Anyway...I didn't even ask to go, and I've beaten myself up over it for years. Why didn't I at least ask so I could just blame my parents for it all? Tonight, about 2 decades later I realized, I should have asked him not to go instead. If I had gone, he would have probably still died, but I might have too, and who knows what might have happened. I would have no doubt been even more damaged than I already am. Anyway, they say he shot himself in the head. Several people were with him. One of those people was another good friend of mine, and he later told me he had stepped away, but he believed one of the others had shot the guy instead of him shooting himself.
Either way, he's been gone a long time. I used to write him letters. So sorry, I miss you, etc. That's a lot to process as a young person, but anyway...then this song "With a Wall" came into my life, and I was like, yeah, I know how you feel. I've blocked out a lot of stuff...for instance, I thought, I'll go by the cemetery and visit that old friend, but ya know, I can't remember how to get there! I haven't written him a letter in a long time; so, I guess I'm healed right? No, prolly not, but I keep trying.